As someone who has been practicing the craft and living "la vida pagan" for the majority of my life, I have found that during the past few years without fail, I returned to the same feeling of emptiness around the new year. Now, I am speaking about the annual new year. The time when one usually takes a look at their past year and reflects on what they want to change for the upcoming two-thousand - whatever. Every year for the past couple of years I would reflect and say the exact same thing.
"This year I need to work on connecting to my pagan side again. I feel empty. I feel like I am not honoring the High Priestess that I am." Then the fireworks would go off and as the dark sky brightens and churns with the energy of endless possibilities, I am ready to dedicate my time to my path, my craft and my pagan side.
The new year officially starts and I am full of intentions. I go to sleep for the remainder of the night and when I wake up later that day although I have every intention to get to work, I do have to clean my house because the festivities have left it unorganized. I can't practice if my house is unorganized. I clean my living room, my kitchen, my dining room and by the end of the day I am exhausted.
"I will practice tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will do SOMETHING."
I wake up the next morning and enjoy my morning coffee and look around and realize that my altar hasn't been dusted or used for that matter in a while. "Can't practice when your altar is a mess." Cluttered altar, cluttered mind. I make the plan to clean it up today. I need a clear space to practice and my altar needs some updating. So many intentions. After it is clean, I have to get some family things done. I mean, I did just spend all morning working on my altar. We run errands and we try to enjoy the days before I have to get back to work. These days go by so quickly and before I know it, each day, it is time for bed.
The following days after I return to work take the same path, yet I realize I am not on my own path. I continue to do for all the things that need doing. Days bleed into nights. Nights bleed into days. I see the sabbats coming and going. I wish I had planned something. The moon goes through her courses time and time again. I admire the consistency of it all. The magick of renewal every month. I hear the call to take that step, but my feet cannot seem to step out of the daily routine I have created.
Before I know it, I am celebrating Samhain, but lets face it, I am just celebrating Halloween. My kids dress up and I joke that my lack of costume is because I am an everyday witch. Once again, back to sleep I go with another lost opportunity weighing on me. Until I am sitting in front of my Christmas tree, unwrapping the latest of amazing gifts, some of which are "witch" related. It is time to buy those fireworks and once again I am telling myself:
"This year I need to work on connecting to my pagan side again. I feel empty. I feel like I am not honoring the High Priestess that I am." Then the fireworks would go off and as the dark sky brightens and churns with the energy of endless possibilities, I am ready to dedicate my time to my path, my craft and my pagan side.
However, this year was a little different. This year, I found myself fairly happy in my day time profession. Even though my day time profession is no longer a full time witch as it once was. I have removed many things from my plate and for the first time I noticed the call was stronger earlier in the year. Out of nowhere, I looked at my altar one weekend and realized that not only was I not busy, but it needed to be updated and organized. My yearning for magick hit before the Witches' New Year and I considered that maybe I planned my failed renewals at the worst possible times in the years past. Maybe, just maybe I needed to start NOW! RIGHT NOW!
I called my youngest daughter who has been interested in the craft since she was a baby, but has only recently been taking mini lessons from me here and there. These have been my attempts to get into the flow. I asked her if she would be interested in doing a Samhain ritual with me this year and her excitement got me thinking. So I called my oldest daughter, Sage. The daughter who has practices on and off since she was a two year old in our old apartment, reciting the Night Night Spell we wrote to get her to bed. She too has been getting messages and signs from the universe that she needs to practice again.
A plan is in the works. I call her later that Friday on my way home from work and she informs me that the Solar Eclipse is happening in the morning. I have an excitement like a child waiting for Santa. I am going to watch the moon travel across the sun like the Santa tracker on NORAD's website.
I wake up early the next morning and I am so energized, I feel like the call is louder than it has ever been. I am looking up the times to watch and it dawns on me...
The moon is covering the sun. The dark is literally covering the light. If you have known me for a while and are familiar with my teachings you know that I have often referenced living with a light side and a dark side. Not the light and dark as someone may think. I will have to write about this teaching later. In my case, my light side is my everyday, being a public school teacher. I can't exactly go into the classroom as the High Priestess, Ladi Em. I am a regular teacher, neutral in all its glory. My dark side is my pagan side. It is not a dark side, because it is negative. Dark is not negative for me. Dark is where I thrive. Darkness is where I grow, like a Night Blooming Jasmine. The thought that the darkness was eclipsing the light was a beaming message. I hear you loud and clear Universe.
I sent my husband to pick up the eclipse glasses we needed. At that time my youngest and I prepare. We move all our crystals, waters, statues, jewelry and divination tools to the area that we know will get that eclipse energy. We move our outdoor furniture to the area as well so we can sit and watch it. We spend the whole morning just watching and enjoying the show. My oldest daughter, Sage, joked with me that I needed to lay out with my crystals, and that is exactly what I did.
The entire experience was magickal. As I am sitting there being charged by the moon as it eclipses the sun I felt the charge.
"Starting today, I am connected. I am charged and powerful. I am a High Priestess with knowledge that needs to be shared. The energy is sparking like fireworks. The shadow of the moon has illuminated my path and I realize I never left it. I was just stationary and napping. I am awakened and I am ready to work.
You simply must take time for you. It's not being selfish to care for your own self.